i felt like i wanted to pour something out somewhere and this was probably the most out of the way place to do it. y'know those times when you want to put something where it could be found and yet also don't want to be perceived? not sure if that's a common sentiment but it's like that i guess.

i kinda feel like i'm in a weird creative rut. i have stuff i want to do and make but i have no real motivations to do any of it right now. i had a little story i worked on for my dungeons and dragons campaign that kind of fell by the wayside only maybe half-finished. speaking of that, my campaign itself is also on hiatus right now and i don't think i have much in the way of inspiration or desire to pick it back up again. little flashes here and there of ideas that i write down for whenever the feeling does return, though.

i'm honestly really glad we are on hiatus. i don't trust myself to create anything worth giving to my players when i feel like this. it's really frustrating, but i'm not sure what i can do.

it's strange, but it's also really hard to watch any content by myself nowadays. i try, but it's difficult to keep focus. streams, shows, movies, anything - i kinda have to force myself if it doesn't immediately pull me in. with some things like grave of the fireflies they pull me in immediately (and beat me up and made me cry), but i dunno. feels weird. maybe i need to pick books back up again. i got reminded of brandon sanderson's work again and i still have a sword-shaped bookmark in oathbringer that i gotta pull out of there like king arthur. plus i need to finish the cradle series... and a billion other things. whew.

i definitely don't want to quit making things, though. when i have in my mind everything i want to put out there nothing feels better. building alethustria, my d&d world, has probably been one of the most fulfilling things i've experienced and led to some of the most important relationships in my life. stuff has just been off, i guess.